Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.