KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   Ladies: If he is only interested in your breasts, legs and thighs send him to KFC. Don't be his value meal.

   It seems in the eyes of his critics, Obama can do no good. He could find the cure for cancer but that would still not be good enough. Obama is the president of United States today and tomorrow, deal with it or migrate.

   In my car, I control the music. If this is a problem for you, just remember this... your life is in my hands. I am the one who is driving. I can kill us.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   Fellas; Sometimes women say they're fine because they know that's all you really want to hear.

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   You won't regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up.

   I think you are funny. My girlfriend thinks you are hot, all of a sudden you not so funny anymore

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.