Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.