tim Funny Status Messages

   shocked by the attempted plane bombing. After all those emails about lotteries and wealthy strangers who want to transfer hundreds of thousands to my account, he thought we could trust the Nigerians.

   heard some folks trying to change the name of Killer Whale to something less threatening. Sea World, Killer Whale was quoted as saying, "I'm back baby!"

   has a thing going with X's wife. Wait... all this third person stuff has X and me confused!

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   doesn't think both of the Dr.'s hands belong on my shoulders during the prostate exam.

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!

   doesn't believe "meat curtain" is an appropriate reference for a woaman's parts. But he has to admit, an Arby's "Big Montana" bears a striking resembelance.

   living each day as if it were his last: The cashier at Krispy Kreame knows him by name.

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   What's on my mind? Let's peer inside and listen... "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." Wow! That was akward. 

   Ultimate D**k move would be Bill Gates buying all the possible mega million combos. Theres only 176 million of them and he'd double his money unless there were other winners.

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.

   living each day as if it were his last: That Korean massage parlor is on to him though. They stopped giving him dying-day happy-ending discounts.

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   OCD's Anonymous meeting at my place. Anyone who feels compelled to clean up, go for it.

   Eating at KFC makes me feel sluggish, a little slow, and my eyes are droopy. I think it might be Double Down syndrome.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.