mm Funny Status Messages

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   All these people on my list, and not none of ya talking to me... This is kinda awkward. I feel weird now..

   Some guy asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one...

   I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   So does the voice that gives us the weather warnings have a name??

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.