m Funny Status Messages

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?

   Anyone that eats 6 tacos instead of running will soon be running whether they like it or not.

   There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I'd prefer something else.

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   The tattoos girls lower back should all read; "This Side Up."

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.