ef Funny Status Messages

   I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!

   Snow in Egypt! In the dessert! Global warming strikes again!....Al Gore refuses comment

   Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches.

   Kanye West compared being a rapper to BEING AT WAR ."This is like being a police officer or something or like war or something." "You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.".No Kanye being an idiot is!

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!

   Okay can we only go through one day of Mandela jokes instead of the 3 days of Paul Walker????? Thanks!

   I gave my wife a couple of credit cards and now my credit score is lower than the speed limit

   Dudes should not ''poke'' other Dudes on Facebook!

   What this generation of young men need to realize is that the word "Man" is in Manners....

   Kanye West?......I've never heard of her!

   Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.

   I went out to a "Soul Food" restaurant for dinner last night. My waiter was African-American and put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now..........Wait, oh sorry, that's not my waiter

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been today that's had "insufficient funds".

   Monopoly has come out with a new version of its board game to commemorate President Obama.....all the properties have half their value and the money has been replaced with foodstamps

   You know you're getting old when the hot girls you slept with in high school post fat grandma pictures....

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"

   You ever think that just possibly these milk, bread and toilet paper companies are behind these overestimated, hysteria causing weather reports????