Psycho Funny Status Messages

   I think we should hear other voices.

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin.

   Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   a wheelchair is just grocery cart to a cannibal

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!