KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy.

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.