KAREN Funny Status Messages

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   There's no crying in Vodka

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.