Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   I think what I'm thankful for most this Thanksgiving is not having to read thirty more days of what everyone is thankful for.

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck's closet.

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...

   I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.

   Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   At my age I only have two goals: to keep working a real job and to keep flossing real teeth.

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.