Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   Words of Wisdom: Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. You'll get snot and stuff all over your hands ツ

   "I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ