Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths