BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   I hope they have strippers at my funeral.

   I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.

   I just found a liquor store that gives air-miles. Should be visiting the Great Wall of China next week!!!

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   you are so beautiful that when we are out, people assume I'm dying and you must be from the Make a Wish Foundation.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   Nothing ruins a good porn like a malnourished donkey

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?