@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity. She should also think about dropping her knickers - for clarity.

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day)

   Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage. The Queen says, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f-kin mind games?!

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"