Mike M Funny Status Messages

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Apparently people bought more TVs for Christmas than they expected so they need to make more.

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   traveling deep into Mordor and picking up the kid's from Sauron's house.

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.