@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   Just heard the gay channel have dropped the soap awards.

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine