m Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.
←Rate | 07-24-2013 10:10 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.
←Rate | 07-31-2013 20:20 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.
←Rate | 08-02-2013 19:46 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
←Rate | 08-14-2013 14:19 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."
←Rate | 08-19-2013 09:36 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.
←Rate | 08-19-2013 16:59 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.
←Rate | 08-20-2013 08:40 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 23:51 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
←Rate | 08-28-2013 13:00 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.
←Rate | 09-05-2013 21:01 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.
←Rate | 09-05-2013 21:43 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
←Rate | 09-25-2013 10:02 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.
←Rate | 09-30-2013 21:22 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.
←Rate | 10-01-2013 17:02 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.
←Rate | 10-03-2013 14:52 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
←Rate | 10-04-2013 15:20 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.
←Rate | 10-09-2013 12:17 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.
←Rate | 10-11-2013 16:41 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.
←Rate | 10-14-2013 20:01 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.
←Rate | 10-17-2013 16:18 by M Comments (0)  

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