andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.
←Rate | 09-02-2013 15:59 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
←Rate | 09-09-2013 11:01 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips
←Rate | 09-10-2013 22:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
←Rate | 09-19-2013 10:59 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."
←Rate | 09-19-2013 11:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!
←Rate | 09-20-2013 10:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.
←Rate | 09-20-2013 10:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
←Rate | 09-23-2013 05:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
←Rate | 09-23-2013 11:37 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
←Rate | 09-26-2013 05:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
←Rate | 09-26-2013 05:34 by andrew jackson Comments (1)  


   messageicon Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
←Rate | 10-01-2013 12:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.
←Rate | 10-02-2013 05:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
←Rate | 10-03-2013 22:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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