eengrms Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...
←Rate | 07-20-2013 23:03 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...
←Rate | 07-15-2015 19:22 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
←Rate | 11-19-2014 19:47 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...
←Rate | 03-06-2014 17:54 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...
←Rate | 04-05-2013 13:40 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...
←Rate | 05-10-2015 14:25 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...
←Rate | 05-03-2016 14:28 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...
←Rate | 05-08-2013 17:05 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do they still use smoke to singal the pope vote? Don't they have a twitter account now?
←Rate | 03-13-2013 07:36 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...
←Rate | 07-14-2015 13:58 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...
←Rate | 11-25-2014 22:57 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...
←Rate | 05-04-2015 11:12 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...
←Rate | 02-17-2016 23:18 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:32 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...
←Rate | 10-08-2013 11:25 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...
←Rate | 06-05-2013 13:30 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:28 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:29 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...
←Rate | 11-22-2014 16:33 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:48 by eengrms Comments (1)  



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