MBH Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 19:01 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.
←Rate | 08-26-2010 16:41 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:25 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.
←Rate | 08-28-2010 05:56 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?
←Rate | 08-31-2010 12:44 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.
←Rate | 08-26-2010 16:54 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???
←Rate | 08-28-2010 07:25 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 04:44 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:43 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:21 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 06:13 by MBH Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:15 by MBH Comments (4)  

   messageicon I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:28 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?
←Rate | 08-29-2010 05:56 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:36 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:41 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.
←Rate | 08-28-2010 07:13 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:31 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:53 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:29 by MBH Comments (0)  

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