@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   When I see ad's on Tv with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product ,the only thing I want to go out and buy are the Meds they must be on.

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world

   I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."