Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   I am pretty sure that my cute neighbor thinks that I am a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook, Twitter and in her diary.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.