Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.