Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?