Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.