KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I'm not sure how many contact lenses I put in the same eye this morning, but I can see Saturn's rings from here.

   We have just enough Religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

   If you read this, I'm SMART. If you like this, you agree that I'm SMART. If you copy and paste this, you are spreading that I'm SMART & if you don't like this, you are jealous coz I'm SMART!

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner.

   Poking holes in your friend's condoms; it's all fun and games until your girlfriend ends up pregnant.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   Fellas: If your woman starts updating her Facebook status right in the middle of having sex with you, it might be a clue that you are not doing her right.

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea.. I just suck at fishing.

   The next time someone says to me "This too shall pass" they'd better be talking about a joint.

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.