Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?