Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   You don't HAVE to be in love to have sex, but you do have to quit squirming away,

   I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   cant believe he just watched the New Kids on The Backstreet Boys bring in the New Year...What a terrible way to brink in 2011

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   My version of the hokey pokey doesn't include a lot of hokey.

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.