Funny Status Messages

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.