Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Your problem is your incompetence Me: I can hold my pee just fine

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

   If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

   Welcome to middle age, blueberries are your dessert now.

   Wow, wife was ticked off when she found out I donated as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

   Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

   Thought it was real sweet that my daughter gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

   it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

   I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

   You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

   Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

   i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

   You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

   Are 3-year-olds dishwasher safe?

   It’s okay to eat your driver’s license even if it’s been expired for a week.

   In the spirit of Mother's Day, the worst mother ever has to be Donsld Trump's mother.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!