Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.