Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"