Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

   I’m at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, “I should go lie down.”

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?

   It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

   Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

   High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

   As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!

   QAnon Shaman? More like QAnon Virgin.

   The older I get the more companies are making the lids on jars tighter.

   When I was born they were probably like “He’ll stop crying soon” yet here I am

   Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

   In what world does a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   Columbia House called, You still have to buy 4 LP’s at regular price.

   The more I learn about people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals aboard the ark.

   The news just broadcast that 2 actors I've never heard of are getting a divorce and I was sad...that $#@% like that qualifies as news.

   I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

   If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

   Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

   Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”