Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.