KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   I get offended when people assume I think and care about them.Who died and made you money?

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in churches?

   If I ever die because of marijuana, mark on my grave, “I am too stoned to get up!”

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   In Whiskey and Women… The young ones are fine, but I prefer the older ones — well aged and full-bodied.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   There would be peace throughout the world if they gave away free chocolate with every tampon purchase.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"