Funny Status Messages

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?