StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good f*cking work.

   I like clothing that has little hidden pockets. It's like they made it knowing I was going to put my weed in there.

   I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest the thing she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.