StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it

   Partying, YOLO. Forever alone, SOLO. Marco, POLO. Condom broke, OHNO. You like men, HOMO. B!tches be crazy, FOSHO. Run bro run!, POPO.

   Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.