andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?

   It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.