Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!