flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   Learn to spell, Auto Correct isn't always write

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.