doc noland Funny Status Messages

   So they found Richard III under a parking lot. We wil probably find Hoffa under a church.

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.

   There is over a billion people in China and there is also only two haricuts

   My superpower is turning tequila into tears.

   Yo, Tupac, I'm really happy for you; I'mma let you finish... but Princess Leia had the best hologram of all time. All time!

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   My skull organ no work so good this day.

   Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.

   The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.

   The power went out, so I'm taking my shower by LED flashlight, just like they did in the olden days.

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.

   My body is so exhausted but my mindset is wide awake.

   The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.

   This year, I'm takin' candy from kids who have the most, to give to the kids too lazy to trick-or-treat themselves. Happy Obamaween. Merica.

   If you can sing Jingle Bells without jiggling your "gentleman's sausage" then you're way more mature than me.