andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   "This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.