Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'