KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.

   I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.

   I'm fairly patient. I can wait 5 seconds for you to respond to my text.

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

   My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

   There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   Life can be like a prick, Sometimes it gets hard for no apparent reason.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   If I had a pu$$y, I would never be broke!

   If you insist on acting like an idiot then I must insist on treating you like one.