andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   "This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.