Funny Status Messages
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Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week! 
You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.
Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.
Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.
When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.
Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.
Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.
Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.
No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.
93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.
Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no
Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off
E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.
Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
"I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!
Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date. 