Funny Status Messages

   "I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope

   Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

   *lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

   I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

   I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.

   friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow

   Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

   HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

   *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.