andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.