Funny Status Messages
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Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news. 
Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.
Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.
How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?
Teacher: “And, that concludes our lesson on the Bill of Rights, any questions?” Student: So, like, none of that counts if I’m scared, right?
If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.
Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.
Had a hen who could count her own eggs, she was a mathmachicken.
You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.
There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐
If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.
The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.
Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.
Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry. 