StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   The difference between "I do" and "Do me" is the happily ever after part.

   Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me... he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?